


in another time, in another place

by achlyss



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Warnings May Change, abuse and oppression, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-07-17 09:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16092974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achlyss/pseuds/achlyss
Summary: “And then there is you, Sehyoon, as free as the ocean, as untamed and wild as the waves, and being with you, trapped inside your embrace, between your steadily beating, wild heart and strong, secure arms I am being set free.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.  
> Here I go with another story, which is something I shouldn't be doing, but I'm living on impulses.  
> This story is based on something I wrote six years ago and if my plans for the plot doesn't change the themes will get very dark, so please, beware of the warnings mentioned in the tags section.   
> The other members, mostly Donghun, will be briefly mentioned for the development of the plot, but that's it.  
> Also, Dominion is a name of the place we will get to learn more about in the upcoming chapters.   
> The next chapter should be up in a few days, but I'm not sure how long the rest of the updates will take (I'll try my best to update once a week). One of the reasons I'm posting the story right now is that this way I'll actually make use of some free time I have and write instead of always putting it aside.   
> Any ideas, thoughts and opinions about the story and the characters is welcome and appreciated.  
> I hope you will enjoy reading this story.  
> Take care.

 

**Prologue**

 

~~Letters~~

 

_My dearest,_

_This is going to be our first letter since you have left me. It was hard picking up the pen and turning my thoughts into words. Since the second, the train you boarded left my sight I have never for one second stopped wanting you here with me. Junhee, my love, this is already a third night in a row passing me by and I have already deemed it impossible for me to stop thinking about you, imagining you in my arms, held tightly against my chest, my breath ghosting over your exposed skin and the feeling of you shivering against me exposed to the chilliness of a quiet night. I am convinced you have taken my sanity with you when you boarded that train, my dear. I can't stop thinking about you and my mind won't stop imagining you back again in my arms. I miss you and I wish you were here, your back against my chest, both of us tipsy from the red wine we had for dinner, shivering from the coldness of night, windows widely ajar and the sea breeze caressing our skin, moon being the only witness of our love, your laughter filling the room from time to time, sweet and melodic, sounding so heavenly in the silent night, shaking the whole world with the beauty and light of it._ _The night has lost meaning without you, love. It’s just empty and cold complete opposite of how it felt when you were in my arms. I miss you, my love, I miss you so much I’m about to start eating my own heart in hunger. I would beg you to come back, cry until you were back in my arms, but I know you can’t and I’m not going to ask you of doing something that would put you in danger. I’m a selfish man, Junhee, and as much as I’m hungry for you and your love, I’m not risking your safety for my hunger, so I will put my selfishness aside and wait for you to return an answer, wait for the day you will be back in my arms again. I love you and I miss you and I think I’m going mad with separation, so please, my kind lover, send me something of you to ease my madness, to cure this foolish man of yours driven mad by your beautiful eyes._

_P.S. I’ll be returning to Dominion in a month after almost ten years of being away, or should I say being forced to be away for good. Even the idea of coming back makes me sick, but you are there and it’s holding you captive, so I’m returning to steal what’s mine and leave that place for the last time._

_Be well, my love. I’m coming for you._

_Eternally yours,_

_Sehyoon._

_My dear Sehyoon, my love,_

_Thank you for writing me a letter as you have promised me you would. I’ve never felt so much delight in my life as I felt opening this lovely letter of yours with trembling fingers. It still carries some of your fragrance and makes me feel at home, safe and warm back in your arms. It was easier getting the letter than I thought. My friend, Donghun, you already know him, was kind enough to receive it for me and bring it to me over the dinner._

_Sehyoon, my dear, Sehyoon, I’m in a hurry writing this letter of my own for you, as I’m afraid of getting caught, but I know you will forgive me little mistakes and make sense out of my incoherently pieced together sentences. The days, without you, are dragging slowly, so slowly, it’s almost painful, my dear, and I only have a single thought that constantly repeats itself inside me day and night, like a soft melody you hummed for me when I awoke crying after a nightmare – I miss you. And it’s unbearable, but it’s the only thing that keeps me going, your love, our love. I miss you, Sehyoon, I miss you so much that my heart burns, it burns so hard that sometimes I want to cut my chest open and watch it burn in agonizing love for you with my own eyes. I love the burning sensation of it running through me, because it reminds me that it’s real, our love. I finally have something that is real, that is my own, only mine, mine, mine… Sehyoon, you are mine, are you not, my dear?_

_I keep rereading your letter, each sentence, each word, each character, until it’s the only melody inside my head, and I’m reminded every time how different we are from each other._ _We are so different, so unlike of one another, my dear, Sehyoon, but it's what is driving me closer to you, making me want to inhale all that you are, all that you ever will be, all that you have been all along. I am always too scared, too timid, head hung low, hiding from everyone and everything, terrified of being seen, being judged, hidden behind the facade they have made up for me and clothed me in since the second I was born. And then there is you, Sehyoon, as free as the ocean, as untamed and wild as the waves, and being with you, trapped inside your embrace, between your steadily beating, wild heart and strong, secure arms I am being set free, as free as I have ever been, ever felt, like a terrified little bird starting to learn how to fly, too afraid of falling, but too wishful to touch the sky. You make me unafraid, Sehyoon, your courage rubs on me, and I feel like I can finally tear through the facade they have forced upon me and breath, breath freely for the first time. You are all I have been afraid to be, all I have ever wanted to be and now I have you, and I want to be brave at least once in my life, for you, for myself, for us. So, please, come, come and steal me away, take me with you, my love._

_P.S. I’m sending you a very dear scarf of mine made by the hands of my lovely late mother, wear it whenever you feel like you can no longer bear existing without me, imagine it’s me wrapping my arms around your neck, imagine it’s me keeping you warm._

_I miss you, Sehyoon, and I love you. I’m waiting for you to come._

_Forever yours,_

_Your lover, Junhee._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.  
> The new chapter is up as promised. I hope you will enjoy reading it. Things may feel a bit obscure right now, but the next chapter will explain and give more background to everything. If I'm lucky enough, the next chapter will be up on Monday, if not then I'll try to update next Saturday.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to give this story a try and leave kudos and comments behind. I appreciate each of them so much.  
> Any ideas, thoughts and opinions about the story and the characters is welcome and appreciated. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.  
> I apologize for the mistakes in advance. I'm very bad at fixing them.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter One**

 

~~I came for you~~

 

The whispers broke out as soon as Sehyoon stepped his foot inside an elegant, grand ballroom, covered in white and gold, small groups of people scattered everywhere, from table to table, window to window, a few number of couples dancing on a soft melody played by the orchestra at the opposite end of the room. He stepped further inside, head held high, dark hair slicked back and gaze burning. His black, rich suit, his confident pose and aura excluding power and authority was enough to attract the curious eyes.

_Who is he?_

_Isn't he a son of the family Dominion exiled?_

_Why is he here?_

_What did he return for?_

The whispers followed him behind as he headed straight to where his agile, hungry eyes caught a glimpse of white curls standing among a small group made of three young men near the tall windows, back turned to him, the only being who had not turned his head in curiosity at Sehyoon’s sudden, unannounced arrival, clothed in white, seeming angelic and pure, unblended and shining, standing out like an only star on the starless sky, exactly the same Sehyoon had first met him, Sehyoon's eyes had seeked him out as soon as he had stepped inside a crowded, busy ballroom on that late august night.

Sehyoon felt his heart shake at the sight of the man, something that went unnoticed on the surface, hidden from the curious eyes, something only known and felt by the other man, the other man Sehyoon had missed so much, the other man that stood at the other end of the ballroom, but seemed so unreachable, was his, but seemed so untouchable in that moment, bright lights glaring down on them angrily, unmoving bodies of people building barricades between them, whispers and stares sharper than knives. 

Sehyoon payed no attention to them, to the whispers and glares accompanying him, they held no relevance to him, to his story, to his current goal as he continued his way over to the man, his heart picking up beat with each step he took closer. It didn’t took much longer for the other man’s companions to catch the sight of Sehyoon, their gazes frozen on the uninvited, foreign guest ahead, causing the man to turn his way, familiar, hypnotizing eyes growing wide as soon as they landed on Sehyoon walking closer, full of surprise and delight and fear and caution at the same time and Sehyoon wanted nothing more, but to take his hand and steal him away, back to his own room where their love had bloomed and begun, where no curious eye could reach inside, where their love was only theirs to witness, to have, to share, the moon and the stars their only confidantes, fear and caution absent from his lover's beautiful eyes, a peaceful home of happiness and love.

Sehyoon noticed a shudder that went through Junhee’s body, forcing him to take an almost unnoticeable step backwards.

“May I?” Sehyoon asked as he bowed his head in a polite greeting and held his hand out for Junhee, his slightly curled fingers awaiting for the younger's fingers, full of desire of reunion with their missing lovers, full of desire of having them clasped in the safety of their own warmth.

“Seh..” Junhee almost let Sehyoon's name slip past through his lips before being snapped back into reality and letting the rest of his name die unheard on his slightly quivering lips. “A dance?” Junhee asked a second later and Sehyoon heard terror and panic and fear and warning of _what are you doing_ in the younger's voice.

Sehyoon knew he could get Junhee in trouble, he knew he could get both of them in trouble, but there was no turning back now, he was standing there, in front of Junhee, with every pair of eyes in the room trained on them, asking him to have a dance with him, two men dancing together. Something Dominion didn’t tolerate. Junhee had wanted to be brave, had asked him to be brave, had begged him to help him be brave for at least once in his life and Sehyoon had promised him, slightly tipsy with wine and the taste of Junhee’s sweet lips, completely wasted in love, that he would help Junhee be brave, for himself and for their love.

“A dance with you. May I?” An inviting smile stretched out on Sehyoon's lips, his insides were twisting and turning and burning, excited to have Junhee back in his arms, excited to feel Junhee tremble against him one more time.

Junhee hesitated and for the smallest of moment Sehyoon feared the younger would refuse him and run, terrified of the attention that was suddenly brought upon him, fearing what may come if he were to gift Sehyoon a dance. But a second later, Junhee’s trembling hand slipped into his and laced his cold fingers with Sehyoon’s awaiting ones, gripping tightly, seeking warmth and strength in the touch.

 _“You are here.”_ Junhee whispered as Sehyoon wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him closer, walking him to the center of the ballroom and swaying to the soft melody playing in the background. The whispers grew louder and louder with each slow turn they took until it was loud enough to drown out the quit melody wrapping them in its tranquil blanket.

Neither Sehyoon nor Junhee cared in that moment, lost in each other’s gazes, in the warmth of the closeness of their slightly moving bodies, sharing their own stories of how they had missed each other, how they had survived existing without each other silently, hoping and wishing that the time of separation wouldn’t come.

 _“You came.”_ Junhee said and let his head drop on Sehyoon’s shoulder and closed his eyes, shutting out the rest of the world, imagining they were back in Sehyoon’s room, long past midnight, the world asleep, some song about love and lovers playing in the radio quietly as they danced slowly, half asleep, half drunk, floor cold against their bare feet, completely lost in each other.

“I did.” Sehyoon whispered back to him, his hold on Junhee’s waist growing firmer. _“I came for you.”_

 _“As you promised you would come.”_ A soft, dreamy smile found its way on Junhee’s lips as he leaned his whole body against Sehyoon’s for support, the older male solid ground to lean onto, to hold him up.

“What do you think you are doing!” Sehyoon heard someone demand in a low, growling tone and then Junhee was being yanked out and away from his arms, startling them out of their own world made only of two people and back to the harsh reality they had left behind for the smallest of moment, dancing, melting in each other's arms, thinking they were back to the dimly lit room of Sehyoon's near the sea, only them, the moon, the stars and the silent, peaceful night.

The quiet melody and the hushed whispers died all together, leaving nothing, but cold silence behind. Sehyoon noticed a shudder run through Junhee, complete opposite of the one he had noticed when Junhee had fixed his gaze on him approaching, as the man's, who had ripped him away from Sehyoon’s arms, hold on his wrist grew iron strong, as if he wanted to break Junhee's bones to bits, remind him who he was, where he was, where his rights begin and end.

“Have you lost all your senses, you silly boy?!” The man snarled, voice venomous, expression hostile and moved past Sehyoon, hauling Junhee from his spot along himself. The younger’s fingers brushed against Sehyoon’s for the smallest of moment, ice cold, sending shivers through Sehyoon’s body.

Sehyoon watched silently as the man dragged Junhee away, didn’t budge from his place, didn’t do anything to stop him, to free his caged lover. He simply stood there and stared. Junhee wanted to be brave and Junhee was the only one who could free himself. Sehyoon’s role was to help him along the way, be his source of courage and strength. It wasn’t Sehyoon’s duty to free him. Junhee had made him promise, Junhee had asked, said, mentioned, whispered, showed many times, in many ways, that he wanted it to be himself, his own saviour, he wanted to be brave, for himself, for his life, for his love. And Sehyoon had promised him and no matter how much it hurt to watch his beloved be handled in such a way, be forced away from him, separated from him one more time he could do nothing, he could only wait and catch Junhee when he would fall, when he was ready to fall in Sehyoon’s arms.

 

**Chapter Two**

 

~~He came for him~~

 

“Please, father, it hurts.” Junhee cried out in pain as the man he called his father pulled on his hair, dragging him inside the house and across the hall. He stumbled and fell on his knees, but the man didn’t stop, his hold on Junhee’s hair iron strong, Junhee’s cries falling to deaf ears.

“Who was that man!” The man demanded, his high voice cutting through the silent, empty house, as he forced Junhee’s head up, glaring into his son’s tearful, pained, terrified eyes, his gaze cold and paralyzing.

“I.. I don’t know.. please..” Junhee’s hands shot up to his head, clutching onto the man’s hands, clawing, trying to reduce his hold, ease some of the burning pain on his scalp, but all in vain. His father's grasp only grew stronger. He felt like he was being scalped alive, and he was sure his father would do so if he were to find out who Sehyoon was, who he was to Junhee, that his son called another man a lover.

“Lying, Junhee, lying. Oh, how much I hate liars. Who did you get that from, huh? Ah, Don't bother, don't bother, I know. Just like your mother. Just like her. The next you will be running away like her.” His father cooed in a fake, sugary tone before pulling onto his hair one more time, stirring a heartwrenching cry out of him. “Don’t make me repeat! Who was that man, Junhee?!”

“I don’t know, father. I don’t, please. please, It hurts.” Junhee could no longer hold the screams back as the man twisted his hair from side to side before forcing his head back, leaning down and breathing on his face. Junhee felt sick, from the closeness, from the pain, from knowing he was this man's son.

“You don’t go running in the arms of a man you don’t know, Junhee or do you? Do you, my dear son?” His father asked, venom dripping through his teeth, tugging onto Junhee's hair.

“I.. I don’t.. please.. please, dad, please le.. let me go..” Junhee pleaded, but he knew it was all in vain. The man felt no remorse, no pity, no care toward him. Nothing connected them beside the mere fact that they were father and the son.

“Who was that man!” The man demanded again, boiling in anger, irritated by not being able to force the answer out of him, and pulled Junhee up by the hair, smiling in content as the loud screams of pain left his son’s lips, as he cried for help, as he begged him for mercy, as he asked to be released.

_A lesson that needed to be taught. A lesson he had to remind his son._

“Please, dad, pl.. please. I.. I don’t know. I ha.. never seen be.. before. I don’t.. please.. I don’t know.. ple..” The man suddenly released his hold on his hair and Junhee fell back on the marble floor, a heart piercing cry of pain leaving his lips as his knees came in touch with it, cold, and hard and willing to break him, damage him, shatter him, no friend to Junhee, but his father.

“Remember who you are, Junhee, where your place is. Remember the word you made before your birthday and remember where you are. If I find that you have been lying to me I will drag you to the Court myself. Do you need to be reminded what happens there? What the fate of the silly boys like you is? Do you, Junhee?” The man told him, hovering over him, his looming shadow covering Junhee’s curled up body in the darkness, swallowing his entire being, a reminder that Junhee didn’t belong to himself, he wasn’t the one to decide his own life.

He didn’t have enough strength to say something back, entire body burning in pain, curling further into himself in a wish to make himself invisible, somehow, someway force the world to swallow him, make him disappear.

“If I see you leave the house for a week this will be the loveliest dream out of all of your nightmares.” His father warned, his words cutting through Junhee's bruised, freezing flesh and gave a one last icy glance in his direction before walking away, leaving him wreathing in pain, lying in a small lake of his own tears, a whisper of Sehyoon’s name dying silently on his lips, a call for help, a wish to be with him instead of the cold marble floor of his own house, wishing to be somewhere, somewhere far from the place he called home, but was nothing like it, had been nothing like it since the day his mother left and hadn’t returned, not in a form of something alive, not in a shape Junhee had remembered.

He tried to push himself up, body numb and strengthless. He wanted to pass out and feel nothing, he wanted to forget he was alive, and there, in this house, but then something fell out of one of his pockets, a small, neatly folded paper.

He felt his heart shake, his body quiver as he picked up the paper from the floor, listening carefully to make sure his father was gone and there was no one to see him, to catch him seeking hope in a short, neatly carved sentences of his lover.

_“Will you meet me in the gardens at the edge of Dominion, love? I will leave the gates unlocked for you. I will wait every day from 11am to 3pm. Come when you think it’s safe. I love you, Junhee, my dear.”_

_His Sehyoon._

_His light._

_His courage._

_His love._

_He had come for him._

_He had come to help Junhee set himself free and fly, fly somewhere, far, far away from here._

Junhee pushed himself up, his knees throbbing in pain, unsteady on his feet and forced his aching bones, aching soul, aching heart to find safety in his cold, empty room, in a room he called his, but wasn’t, a room that felt so foreign, so lonely, so devoid of life, and happiness and love and of him, and most importantly of Sehyoon and of them, since the moment he had tasted how being in Sehyoon’s room felt, how easy breathing in Sehyoon’s room felt, how warm, how full of life and light and happiness, and love, and most importantly, of them Sehyoon’s room felt.

How Junhee wished he was back there, with Sehyoon, in Sehyoon’s arms, Sehyoon cutting him open and eating him raw, swallowing every inch of Junhee’s being with bravery and courage and want and need and care and love. Something so foreign to Junhee, something he had never had before, but could no longer exist without after Sehyoon had given him a taste of it, of happiness, of warmth, of care, of love, of two beings molded into one.

_A little bit longer. Hold on a little bit longer._

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> This chapter gives more background to Junhee's and Sehyoon's story and also prepares a fundation for the upcoming chapters. I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story and leave kudos and comments behind. I appreciate it so much.  
> I apologize for the mistakes. I didn't get to fix them.  
> Any ideas, thoughts and opinions about the story and the characters is welcome and appreciated.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Three**

 

~~I'm coming~~

 

Sehyoon waited in the gardens by the edge of Dominion as he had promised Junhee he would. He waited every day, wandered through the rows of wild flowers endlessly, aimlessly, running gentle fingers over their petals, caressing, tending to them, reliving all the memories he had made there, he had tried to leave back there when his family had drove away from Dominion 10 years ago, but had failed. No matter how much he hated this place, bits of his heart remained there, enshrined in those flowers, trees, high walls surrounding them, keeping them safe from the curious eye, but captive from the rest of the world, a bit like Junhee, but compared to Junhee, they had their own will, they were free, they were together, there was no one trying to force them apart, tear them away from where their hearts laid. The garden had gone completely wild with their absence, no one to care after them, but it had found another way of surviving, new ways to be beautiful, to bloom and change along the seasons that came and went, cycles of life repeated itself inside the garden his mother had built with her own hands constantly, alive, gone, alive, gone, again and again.

The first day Junhee didn’t come, but Sehyoon waited, he waited long past the promised time, a spark of hope of the younger slipping through the garden gates irresistible inside his heart. He didn’t come, but Sehyoon understood. He knew Junhee couldn’t come as he wished, as he would want to. Junhee’s freedom was nothing sort of it, it wasn't his, and it was controlled by the hands of others.

He didn’t come on the second day, but Sehyoon was there. He came early in the morning and left late at night, when the chilliness of the night made it unbearable to stay out there, wrapped in barely anything, but Junhee’s scarf.

On the third day someone came, but not Junhee, not someone Sehyoon’s heart had longed for, but they brought something of Junhee along themselves and it was more than enough for Sehyoon’s famished heart.

It was Donghun who came, quietly slipped through the gates, gave him a letter and left, not saying a word to him, not exchanging a single sentence. Sehyoon had questions to ask him, answers he wanted to hear from the other man, but he didn’t say anything, just a _thank you_ and he meant it. He was grateful of everything Donghun was doing, for Junhee and him, for them. He was risking his own safety because of their love, and Sehyoon was grateful of him. It eased his heart to know that Junhee wasn’t completely alone, completely on his own, abandoned by everyone while Sehyoon was absent, while Sehyoon wasn’t able to be with him, shelter him in his arms.

He opened the letter with trembling hands, excitement sending shivers through his body. _His lover had sent him a letter._  He couldn't wait to hear what Junhee had to say, free his heart from heavy words, share his sadness, his happiness, his pain, his world with Sehyoon. Something in his stomach churned in nervousness, his heart longing for Junhee's words, wanting to be reassured, wanting to be sure that the younger was safe, he was well and out of harm's way.

 

_My dear, Sehyoon, my love,_

_I’ve kept you waiting, have I not? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, my love. My heart is dying to be there with you, closer to you, back in your arms, it’s withering day by day, but please, please wait a little longer, I will come. I promise, Sehyoon, I promise, I will come._

_I feel so lonely, Sehyoon, so empty and lonely without you, knowing you are waiting for me every day and I can’t come. I’m held inside the place I call home, but feels more of a prison, a prison that is keeping you on the other side of the bars._

_Does our love have to be a forbidden fruit, Sehyoon? Why can’t it be just another normal story of love? Is love something so much to ask? I just want to be with you. I just want you to be mine. Is this so much to ask?_

_The seconds are dragging by and they are putting me through so much pain, it’s agonizing, it’s unbearable to exist without you when you are all I can remember, when you are all I want to remember. I’m full of agonizing pain caused by the separation with you, but I'm coming. I'm coming, my love._

_My heart refuses to fit inside my chest every time I think about you, every time you cross my mind and I think about you all the time, Sehyoon. You are all I can think of, all I want to think of, Sehyoon. You are like an answered prayer to me, my Sehyoon._ _Our hearts. These wild creatures always wanting things that we can’t have. But tell me, tell me I can have you, Sehyoon, tell me I can have your love, your heart, your soul, all that you are and tell me you want me, in the same hungry, raw ways I do. Tell me your heart is longing for me in the same unbearable way I do. Tell me you’re mine, Sehyoon, tell me we can be together. Reassure me, please, my love._

_Life is cruel in so many ways, Sehyoon, as many as, it is lovely and beautiful, but I hope it will let us be tender with each other. We both have hurt so much, hasn’t time for our happiness come? How much more, how much longer do we have to burn? Until there are only ashes of us left? I worry that not all of us can rise from the ashes, Sehyoon. We aren’t Rome. We are nothing sort of the eternal city that was fated to last forever even after the empire collapsed. We are humans and sometimes we just fall and don’t rise. We fall and fall and fall and sometimes that’s the only way life can be, but I don’t want that to be the only way, not for us. I want to be brave, Sehyoon, I will be brave, so even if we fall we can rise from our ashes, at least one of us, one of us has to keep the memories of the other alive._

_Wait for me a little longer, love. I will come. I promise you, I will. I’m building myself from crumbles, for you, for us. I will come. They won’t stop me. I want to be stronger than my fears. I’m going to be stronger than my fears and I will come. Wait for me, love. I’m coming. I will reach our destination in no time. Please, don’t get tired of waiting. I’m coming. I’m coming, Sehyoon. I’m coming to find myself, because I can only be it when I’m with you, when I’m in your arms and I’m coming. I’m coming for you and for us. Wait for me, love. You are the only one who can build me from the ashes I’ve become._

_I’m coming._

_I love you._

_Your lover, Junhee._

 

Sehyoon kissed the name of his lover carved by the trembling hands of his own lover himself before folding the letter and putting it inside his jacket, just above his heart, feeling Junhee through it, keeping Junhee, Junhee's words, Junhee's thoughts, Junhee's love close to his heart, and waited. He would wait until Junhee came. He would wait every day, he would wait for days, for months, for years, he would wait for the rest of his life if that would be the time it would take Junhee to come.

Junhee was coming and Sehyoon was waiting for him to come, to catch him in his awaiting arms.

 

**Chapter Four**

 

~~Finding each other~~

 

Junhee came. As he had promised he would and Sehyoon felt his breath catch, his heart skip a beat when the younger slipped through the gates quietly, all the hunger for Junhee, his presence, his warmth, his love, unleashed itself inside him and the force of his own desire of Junhee, of wanting and needing Junhee scared him. While he had been waiting for Junhee, unknowingly, he had been reduced to a thing that wanted Junhee, that needed Junhee and no one else, and nothing else in life, that only knew Junhee, spoke of Junhee, wanted Junhee. But, perhaps he had been reduced to such a being since the moment he had laid his eyes on Junhee and he was coming to realize just now.

If he had Junhee, if he had Junhee’s love that was all he wanted, all he needed. The universe could stop if Junhee was in his arms.

Junhee came and he was finally in Sehyoon’s arms again, Sehyoon wrapping him inside his embrace, swallowing him completely, breathing him in, molding them in one being, crashing their lips against each other, burning and melting against each other, like they were the only sources of oxygen and they were dying to breathe.

They kissed like drowning people breath every time they find a way out of the surface of water pressing down of them, gasping, taking in sharply, hurriedly, clinging onto every bit of it, only way of survival, only way of knowing one could live, breathe, breathe, breathe, kiss, _kiss him, breathe him in, kiss him, kiss him, he is the only way of your survival._

And they kissed, and kissed, and kissed, deprived of their only sources of life, of each other, and kissed again, and kissed some more, bruised, and flushed, and out of breath, but full of life and full of each other. And when they stopped, when their lips let go of one another, Junhee let himself break.

He cried and Sehyoon let him. He let him cry and collected every piece of himself Junhee shed, collected them in his heart, in his memories, in his mind, so he could build him back again when the time would come, piece by piece, he would hand them back to Junhee and watch as he would shape himself back together.

Junhee cried and Sehyoon’s heart withered with each soft sob that left Junhee’s mouth, holding him close to his chest, holding him dear, holding him together, reassuring him as Junhee had asked.

_It will be fine._

_We will be alright._

And the hours passed.

Sehyoon took Junhee's hand in his, held him close to his side and walked with him around the garden and through the memories he had made here as a child, as a teenager, as his past self.

“...Belonged to my family, no, still belongs to my family. There aren’t many places like this in Dominion, empty, without an owner. Once you come here, you don’t leave. You can’t leave. You become permanent part of it and your life becomes its to control. You have everything, money, power, as long as you obey its rules, but what you don’t have is love and happiness and freedom, but not everyone wants those things, most people here, don’t know any of these things, have never truly felt, known any of these things. They don’t know anything beside their desire of power, and they don’t understand, they can’t understand that they don’t even have it. They aren’t in charge of themselves, they are under control and their power and riches is nothing, but illusion. Only few people see it, Junhee, only few and you know what happens to them, you have seen what happens to them and knowing that is holding you back, but I’m here, and you see it, and we are going to find a way out of here.”

“I was lucky that incident 10 years ago opened the eyes of my parents. We were exiled 10 years ago, I was 15, because my parents stood up against the cruelty of Dominion, of what they have done to them, do you remember the two boys? They were my friends, Junhee, my best friends, and we left. We were lucky we were exiled. Something was happening inside Dominion back then, word of what they had done got out somehow and they couldn’t hurt us and we left. At the first chance we got, we packed up and left, but we were to never mention about ever living in Dominion, about anything that happens there. My parents knew staying here, leaving me here would mean putting me up for the same fate and so we left, because they were powerless against the rules of Dominion and they couldn’t change the old ways. 10 years ago, on the day they buried my best friends we left and forgot that this place had ever existed. It only lived in our memories, in the memories we chose to never relive again, we chose to push back and forget, but then.. Junhee, then you came and I think, Dominion has its way of taking back what once was its, I think you can never truly run your way out of this place, so here I am, and here you are and we are going to try and find a way, a way that has no binds to this place, that leads far, far away from here and has no turning back. A one way road ahead.”

Sehyoon told him stories, and reassured him, and held him close to his chest, safe and secure in his arms, and kissed him between the stories and confessions and reassurance, and kissed him again and again, until Junhee felt only Sehyoon, until Junhee could only feel Sehyoon, until the feeling of Sehyoon was engraved in him forever, until Sehyoon was him and he was Sehyoon and they were one, until they couldn’t remember where the other ended and another began, until they were the only way to freedom, to happiness, to love, to life, to each other, until there was only one feeling living inside them, making home inside them, _them, and their love._

“I have to leave.” Junhee whispered when they part away from another kiss, bodies pressed close, limbs tangled together, foreheads touching, lips barely apart.

“Already?” Sehyoon whipered back, breathing him in, taking him in, kissing him once more, until he could never forget the feeling of Junhee’s lips against his, until Junhee would never be able to forget the taste of Sehyoon in his mouth.

“They will start looking for me if I don’t return by five.” Junhee said, a sad, pained smile on his face. _Separation._ It kept coming. Again and again. No matter how many times they tried to outrun it, run far, far ahead of it, it always caught up on them, wrapped Junhee in its arms and led him back to his home, a home that was not his, had never been his, would never be his. Sehyoon was his home and he didn’t want to leave and return to a place where no memory of Sehyoon lived, where it was only silence and coldness and emptiness and loneliness and nothing like love, nothing like light, and happiness, and Sehyoon, and them.

Sehyoon watched Junhee go and slip out of the gates of the garden as quietly as he had arrived. He leaned against the tree trunk, body heavy, his heart, his soul, his mind aching for Junhee, begging him silently to return, and closed his eyes, his first memories of Junhee came alive inside him, run wild inside his head like he was at the cinema, in the centre of the universe and Junhee was only his to keep.

The first time Sehyoon had seen Junhee he had looked beautiful, ethereal almost, so out of this world, out of his touch, looking like a dream come true, weaving through the rows of people, unblending, standing out like an only star on the starless sky, his blond hair long and wavy, his skin porcelain under the bright, glaring lights, his eyes wide and frightened in wonder and amazement, as if it was his first time seeing the world, as if it was his first time letting the world see him.

Sehyoon had been drown to him instantly, mesmerized and curious, wanting to hold his hand and steal him away from the vast, noisy hall, hide him away somewhere only he know, steal the most beautiful treasure the universe had created and had only revealed just now.

And he had done so. As soon as he had seen a chance. When the younger had made his way out, Sehyoon had excused himself from his companions and run after him, startling the softest melody out of the man when his fingers had come in touch with his soft, unblemished skin and in that moment Sehyoon had felt as if he was holding the most sacred thing in the world in between his trembling fingers.

 _“What's your name?”_ Had been the first question he had asked, out of breath, from running or maybe by the beauty of the other, gazing into the eyes that spoke disbelief, curiosity and caution at the same time, drowning in the other's black, but sparkly eyes, and sinking deep, deep until he landed on the bottom, without any resistance, willingly, with so much desire. He would drown himself again and again if it meant he could look into Junhee's eyes one more time, if he could look into Junhee's eyes for the rest of his life.

And Junhee had given him his name, slightly startled, voice soft, almost inaudible in the quiet night and Sehyoon had thought he had never heard a name so beautiful, so fitting of someone, a name he would whisper in his every prayer, every night, every second of his life.

Junhee had looked beautiful, was beautiful, in a way Sehyoon didn’t know how to describe, how to put a word to, it was almost unreal, and he had made Sehyoon doubt if it was dreams or reality he was living in. But then, he had touched Junhee and the way his body had trembled, and ached, and reacted, and the soft melodies that had left his lips, how he had whispered Sehyoon's name, had been so human, so earthly, and only for Sehyoon to hear, to see, to call his, and had reduced Sehyoon to a being that only knew Junhee, wanted Junhee, needed Junhee, loved Junhee, couldn't exist without Junhee.

Junhee had been shy and jumpy and frightened for the first two days, his laughter hidden behind his hand, his eyes often lowered on the carpet of Sehyoon’s living room, but he had found comfort and freedom and wilderness inside Sehyoon’s room, on the third day Junhee had kissed him, sudden, rushed, terrified, and they hadn’t let go since then, Junhee had found home, himself, love inside Sehyoon’s room, in every corner of it, because it spoke of Sehyoon, it was full of Sehyoon, no one else, nothing else, but Sehyoon, he had found peace and happiness inside Sehyoon’s room, because it was Sehyoon’s and his soul only knew Sehyoon, his mind, his heart, his entire being knew only Sehyoon, spoke only of Sehyoon, wanted to be only Sehyoon’s.

And so did Sehyoon himself.

Since the moment he had laid his eyes on Junhee, he knew he would want no one else in life, but Junhee. His heart would beat for no one, but Junhee.

And in a week they had had together, he had learned the truth of it, understood the truth of it.

Junhee.

He began and ended with Junhee.

Junhee, who had been granted a week of freedom, a time of his own, on his 21st birthday, a wish to visit his mother’s grave, see the sea and how life was, how life went, how life evolved outside of Dominion, but his wish had come with certain circumstances.

He had been to go with Donghun and Donghun had to report his father every detail of where Junhee went, what Junhee did, who he met, and they had to return after a week and Junhee would never leave Dominion, would never think of leaving Dominion, would never utter his curiosity of life outside of it, he would stay there and live with its rules, let it decide what he did, what he wanted, what he wished, who he could love, who he longed for.

But then he had met Sehyoon.

And his world had come to crumbles.

And in a week, who knew it was possible for the world to end and be revived in a week, his world had changed and he had changed and he had found something meaningful, something his own, something worth fighting, something worth bravery in life.

He had found Sehyoon,

or sehyoon had found him,

and then, they had found each other.

And their love had sparked into the brightest flames, had burnt their past selves and built true, new versions of them out of each other.

And then the time had come.

_Separation._

_A week gone so fast._

Sehyoon had begged him to stay, leave everything behind and run away with him, never return back to his captivity, where he was not allowed to be himself, to be happy, to love, but they both had known it was impossible. He had known Junhee couldn’t stay. If he were to not return, his father would do something terrible to Donghun, had promised him to do something terrible to Donghun, Donghun who couldn't run away from Dominion, Donghun who had his own lover waiting for him to return in Dominion, Donghun who had risked so much for Junhee and for them and who was also trying to fight for his own happiness and love. _“I can't risk a life of a dear friend, my love. There will be another way for us.”_  Junhee had said and Sehyoon had promised him that there would be another way. He would find another way, for Junhee, for them, for their love.

There would be another way.

There had to be another way for them, for Junhee to set himself free and fly away with Sehyoon far from the place that have held him captive since the second he was born, had been stripped away of his rights to love and be free, and himself since the moment he had let out his first cry.

 

**Chapter Five**

 

~~He belongs to us~~

 

_“T_ _hey say your boy had been dancing with another man.”_

_“He swears he doesn’t know the man.”_

_“But he had danced with him anyways.”_

_“He had, but he had been taught his le...”_

_“You very well know what will happen if you are caught trying to cover your son’s sins, to the both of you, the boy as the sinner and you as his guardian. Nothing stays hidden in Dominion, there are no secrets you can keep from it.”_

_“I do and I will be the one bringing him to the Court if he were to break the rules of Dominion.”_

_“Remind him well, teach him better. Dominion had been generous to grant his wish of leaving for a week in change of him becoming a permanent part of it when he turned twenty one. He had made his promise. You need to teach him better._ _Remember the rules and where your rights lay, who had given you everything you have, all the power, who had made you who you are. Are you going to let a silly boy ruin your life? You belong to Dominion and Dominion doesn’t accept those who sin, those who disobey its law.”_

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> It has been a while. I'm sorry for taking so long to update. A lot has been happening lately and it was not easy to sit down and write, but I'm glad I finally got to write something. I hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.  
> Yuchan and Byeongkwan got a chance to make their appearance this time, but maybe not in a way one would have hoped for? The impact their story had on Junhee's character might play a critical role later on.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read the story and leave kudos and comments behind. It means a lot.  
> Any ideas, questions and opinions about the story and the characters is welcome and appreciated.  
> I apologize for the mistakes in advance. I didn't get to fix them.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Six**

 

~~A brave love.~~

 

“Junhee!” Junhee was forcefully startled out of his daydream by his father’s cold voice cutting through the deadly silent house. He was up to his feet in a heartbeat, trying to hide the letters he had received from Sehyoon over the time and had laid out on the bed beside him. He knew what would happen if his father were to find out. He knew he would be gone in a second and Sehyoon a minute after, as if they had never existed in the first place, as if the world had never known the two longing lovers.

“Junhee!” The door smacked open just as Junhee lowered himself back on the bed, heart wild inside his chest, almost willing to slip through his throat and out of his mouth in fear, reveal his deepest secrets and desires to his father, lay bare for the whole world to see, for the whole world to find out.

“Yes, dad?” Junhee asked and pushed himself up, legs shaking and fists clenching in order to gather some strength, some courage inside his terrified body.

“Come with me.” The man gestured him out of the door, his cold eyes moving from object to object inside Junhee’s almost empty, bare bedroom, as if he knew, he was sure, his son was hiding something from him, from the whole world, as if he could smell, see his fear, the terror he awoke inside his son’s being.

Junhee knew better to not obey the man, quick on his trembling feet, making himself smaller and smaller, wishing to become invisible to his own father, wishing for the ground to split open and swallow him, somehow lead him back inside the gardens and in Sehyoon’s arms. He jumped, frightened, when the door of his bedroom smacked close behind his back and felt his father's icy eyes on his head as he walked towards the stairs, as if they were trying to reach inside him, read his thoughts, his dreams and desires. Even the thought of his father finding out terrified Junhee, terrified him to the extent it made him sick, his stomach churned, his mind screamed in agony, his heart withered inside his chest, blood froze inside his veins from fear.

“Living room.” His father commanded and Junhee obeyed. He didn’t have any other choice, just like his mother, he didn’t have any other choice, but to obey, but to listen, and cry silently, pretend, pretend, pretend, until it was real, pretend until he lost himself. He had never had any other choice, none of them, not him, not his mother, but he could have. The only difference between his and his mother’s fate was that there was a chance of Junhee finding another choice, another way, a better way to run away, run far, far away from here.

“Sit. I want you to watch something.” His father told him and Junhee felt his heart stop for the briefest of moment, stand still and take in the sentence, everything it could imply, any meaning it could possibly have. His legs gave out just as he numbly lowered himself in an armchair. “Are you not going to ask what it is?” The man gave him a smile so sinister, so devilish, so cold, so cruel it ripped Junhee to shreds, terrified him, scarred him for his life and maybe even after that. He gripped the sides of his knitted sweater tightly in his trembling fingers, his entire body had gone cold in fear.

“Cat got your tongue boy?” His father laughed, mocking, loathsome. If a cat were fear, terror, horror then it did, it did get Junhee’s tongue. “Don’t bother, don’t bother.” The man dismissed the topic with a mere shake of his hand and tossed a remote control to him. Junhee watched it fall on his lap, flinched at the feeling, tightened his grip on his sweater, dread, dread everywhere, inside him, inside the living room, growing bigger and bigger, slipping through every corner of the house.

“Watch it as many times as it takes you to remember every second of it by heart.” His father told him and turned his back to him, making his way out of the room. “I’ve got my eyes on you.” Were the last words the man said before disappearing behind the corner and out of his vision.

Junhee picked up the remote control with a trembling hand. It took him a minute to find enough courage to press a play button. The screen lit up and the very first scene it revealed tore a loud cry out of his chest. He had seen the video once, he had seen this scene play out with his own eyes when he had been barely eleven. He remembered everything too well, too vividly. He still dreamt of the two boys standing across each other in the middle of a muddy court from time to time, rain pouring down on them, guns in their trembling hands, one, two, three, I’m sorry, I love you, two gunshots and silence, silence, empty, terrifying silence.

The friends Sehyoon had mentioned the day before, the story Sehyoon had told him in different light in the gardens during their short lived reunion.

Junhee pressed his lips together, so tightly it hurt, to muffle his silent cries, eyes frozen on the screen, taking in pale, terrified, youthful faces of the two very young men.

_I’m sorry, Channie._  One of the boys whispered, wiping tears hidden by the heavy rain pouring down on them away, gripping the gun tightly in between his shaking fingers.

_I love you, Byeongkwan_. The other boy said and smiled, smiled through the pain, through the fear, through the horror, through the end that was about to come. But he still smiled. Stood still and smiled. Smiled at the boy he loved, he had risked his life for. Smiled and spitted at the face of the whole Dominion who had gathered to witness the scene, witness how the court brought sinners to justice.

The boy smiled and Junhee saw their faces change, clear from the terror and the pain and become home to relief, to the promise of ending the suffering and finding better life on the other side, finding better place, a safer place, kinder place to them and their love.

_I love you, Channie._  The boy smiled back at his young lover, their faces mirroring each other, relieved, hopeful, brave, for each other, because of each other and pulled the trigger. They pulled the trigger at the exact same time, two gun shots became one and Junhee screamed, screamed, but didn’t turn his gaze away, watched as two bodies fell numb on the muddy ground, just a few steps away from each other and wondered if they met after life, wondered if they had found their ways back to one another, had become lovers in another place, in some other time, if the world was no longer cruel to them and their love.

The screen went black and for a minute Junhee could only hear the sound of his own beating heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Junhee!” Came his father’s voice as a warning from the outside of the living room and he pressed a play button one more time, tears finding their way on his cheeks, crying soundlessly, silently, as he had come to learn, as he had been forced to learn, to himself, so no other could hear him cry, plea, beg, broken, afraid, terrified.

He watched the same scene again and again for hours until his father thought he had learnt his lesson well enough, two young boys, the sound of heavy rain hitting the ground, quiet apology, quiet confessions, relieved smiles and two gunshots molded into one.

_Cries. Smiles. Echoes. Death. Silence._

Always in the same order, tearing him apart again and again, piece at a time.

The only comforting thought inside him was that what he saw as death, as a sad ending, maybe was a happy ending, a new beginning to the two young lovers lying on the muddy ground.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but they were brave.

_Brave._

_Brave._

_Brave._

Something Junhee wasn’t.

Something he wanted to become.

Something he had to become.

For himself, for Sehyoon, for their love.

 

**Chapter Seven**

 

~~Only him and Sehyoon.~~

 

Two days passed since the day Junhee had been forced by his own father to watch the same scene of grief and pain and relief and hope again and again and then he was back in the gardens, with Sehyoon, only him and Sehyoon, huddled together, molded into one, Junhee wrapped securely in Sehyoon’s arms, head resting on the elder’s shoulder, sharing bodily warmth, inhaling as much of each other, taking in as much presence of one another as possible, so it could last them, make existing more bearable, while life pulled them apart, separated them from each other.

Junhee laid on Sehyoon’s chest, safe and unafraid for a moment, away from his father and his cruel hands, and told him stories of his mother, pieces of whatever he had left of her, of whatever remained of her, of whatever he remembered of her.

And Sehyoon listened, all Junhee had ever wanted, would ever ask, for him to listen, for Junhee to be heard, by someone, by his own lover, by the only man he had ever loved, he would ever love. Sehyoon listened and pulled him closer, tightened his hold on Junhee’s shoulders, gave him warmth, and strength, and safety, and hope, and courage, and bravery, and love, everything Junhee had ever needed, everything Junhee never had, never asked, not until he had met Sehyoon, not until his soul had learnt Sehyoon, had become Sehyoon’s, knew and spoke only of Sehyoon.

“Mom... She has never wanted to be here. I don’t think she has. She has always wanted to leave, to move far away from here, but my father... He... He loved Dominion. He couldn’t see, he doesn’t see anything beside Dominion, as if it has swallow his entire being and turned him into its permanent part. She... She once tried to leave and take me with her, but my father... He found out about her plans and we were not allowed to leave the house for months. I only saw the outside world from the small cracks in between the curtains, for months I’ve not breathed fresh air, sunlight haven’t touch my skin, I could only try to steal a quick look of the life moving, happening outside when my father wasn't at home and then one day she was gone, Sehyoon. Gone. Just like that. She had managed to escape and left me a letter, promised me that she would come back for me. She would find help and take me with her, but she never got the chance. She didn’t have a chance to begin with, Sehyoon, she never did, not since the moment she stepped her foot inside Dominion with my father.

“My father... He went after her, took me with him and we found her few days later, and I wish, oh how much I wish, we hadn’t, Sehyoon. In a small hotel near the sea, somewhere close to where you live, where we first met, you and I, we found her there. That’s why she is buried there. She.. She... I saw her jump, Sehyoon. I saw her jump, mouth I’m sorry to me and jump... And it was over... And I was alone.. And nothing was the same again. She was gone, but this time for real, this time with no promises of coming back, taking me with her. I dreamt of her jumping off the window sill for weeks, for months, I still do some nights, most nights I still do. And living started to get unbearable, it has never been easy in Dominion, with my father, but it got more and more unbearable with time. Mom was gone and I was all alone and there was no light among the darkness surrounding me. It was all dark, I think it was all dark, until the moment you held my wrist and turned me around, your eyes locked with mine and you looked at me like you were looking at a wishing star. I was in dark until you pulled me out of the darkness, Sehyoon, until you became the only source of light in my life.

“And the moment I boarded the train, waved you a goodbye, you disappeared from my sight as the train drifted away from the platform you stood on, I realized what had been taken, stripped away from me by my own father, by his love of Dominion, by his desire of control and power. You made me realize what had been stolen from me since the moment my mother had given me birth and now that I have had the realization, there is no going back, Sehyoon. I don’t think there is. I want you and I want your love and I want to fight for me, for us, for what had been taken away from me unknowingly, without me having any say, any choice in it. My father has sold me to Dominion in exchange of his power and riches and I want to take what’s mine back. I want to take my rights back. I want to, Sehyoon. I want to take what is mine, what could have been mine, what had been stolen from me when I was born, back.”

“Come with me.” Sehyoon said and Junhee did. He didn’t have anywhere else to go. There was no other place he wished to go. _Sehyoon. Sehyoon. Sehyoon_. His heart desired only Sehyoon, wanted to crawl inside Sehyoon and build home for himself inside him, the only safe place for him, for them, for their love. The only safe place where he could love him, where they could love each other.

Sehyoon had asked him to go with him and Junhee had gone and then he was lying on his back on the unfamiliar bed that smelled of Sehyoon, only of Sehyoon, felt like Sehyoon, burning and gentle against his bare skin as Sehyoon pressed himself closer to him, deeper inside him until he had made a place for himself inside Junhee, until they were back inside Sehyoon’s bedroom, near the sea, windows open, silent night and soft sea breeze caressing their skin, radio aching a quiet tune, Junhee whispering Sehyoon’s name like a prayer, a song he only sang for himself, Sehyoon cutting him open and eating him raw, inch by inch, deeper and deeper inside him, reaching the corners of Junhee’s being no one had touched before, no one had seen before, awakening parts of Junhee, Junhee himself didn’t know existed inside him before, splitting him open and building home for himself inside Junhee, becoming one with Junhee.

“Junhee.” Sehyoon whispered his name and Junhee felt his entire world shake by the force a simple act of his name leaving Sehyoon’s lips carried, come to crumbles and take shape into a true version of Junhee, of Junhee who was brave and strong and full of courage and hope and happiness and love and who ached for Sehyoon and cried Sehyoon’s name all over, again and again, until Sehyoon was all he remembered, until Sehyoon was all he could remember.

Sehyoon touched him and kissed him and pressed their bare bodies together, and kissed him again, and his touch felt like a prayer Junhee could find no words for and he felt his heart break through the cage and become one with Sehyoon’s, beating unevenly, heavily against his chest. Sehyoon touched him and kissed him and loved him in any ways possible, in so many ways Junhee didn’t know was possible, Junhee could never imagine was possible, and every time it made him discover something new he had never had before, courage, strength, hope, faith, happiness, belonging to someone, someone being only yours, and love, love, most importantly, love. Sehyoon touched him and kissed him and pressed their bodies closer together, mended their bodies, their hearts, their souls together, in the same perfect shapes, two imperfect beings fully completing each other, becoming whole, and Junhee let himself get lost for a minute, forget the world for a minute, forget Dominion and his father and his fears and the cruelty and the terror of life and think only of Sehyoon and of their love and of the person he had become since the second Sehyoon’s fingers had touched his wrist, since the moment he had looked into Sehyoon’s, deep, fierce, warm, lovely eyes.

For the moment the world didn’t exist and there were only Junhee and Sehyoon, only adam and adam in their own paradise.

 

**Chapter Eight**

 

~~Ours.~~

 

“I think my first act of bravery was telling you my name.” Junhee said, head resting on Sehyoon’s chest, the elder’s arms draped around him securely, legs tangled messily under the white sheets of the bed that once belonged to Sehyoon, to Sehyoon who just like Junhee had been trapped in Dominion, was meant to be a part of Dominion, but had managed to run away, to the younger version of Sehyoon that laid beside him right now, who had come back to the place he had run away from for Junhee, who was going to be Junhee’s strength and courage and leave with the younger for the last time.

“My second act of bravery was going to your house that night. My third act of bravery was staying there with you, spending time with you. My fourth act of bravery was kissing you. My fifth act of bravery was making love with you, having you.. make me feel alive. And, the list of my acts of bravery goes on and it’s always you.. you, you, you. You never end Sehyoon, not inside me, it’s always you, endless, timeless, infinite. I’m always yours. You and yours and yours again.”

“And I’m all yours. You are all mine, Junhee.” Sehyoon said and gathered Junhee’s face in his hand, moved the younger’s fallen white curls away from his face and pulled him up. “And I’m all yours. Ours. This love. So huge and terrifying and strong and brave and unyielding is only ours. Yours and mine. Ours.” He kissed the younger, breathed him in, sunk deep inside the water without any resistance. He loved the bottom of the surface, he loved what begin at the end of the surface, he loved the younger more than he had ever loved and more than he would ever love.

“Ours.” Junhee whispered against his lips, breaking into a dreamy, innocent, child-like smile, making Sehyoon’s heart tremble, ache, burn inside his chest.

“Ours.” Sehyoon confirmed once more, traced Junhee’s face with kisses, stirring lighthearted, sweet sound of laughter out of the younger. “Only ours.” He pulled Junhee in his embrace, caged him in between his chest and arms and Junhee pressed himself closer to him, as if he wanted to break inside Sehyoon, as if, if he were to press any closer he would become one with Sehyoon. And Sehyoon did the same, wished for the same, tightened his hold around the other, as if it would keep the separation away, as if the separation would never be able to take Junhee away if he were to hold him tighter and tighter by each second that flew by, his body around Junhee’s like an invisibility cloak, sheltering him from his father, from Dominion, from all the ugly, cruel parts of life.

“Sehyoon, do you think it’s po...” Junhee started minutes later, still buried in Sehyoon’s embrace, but he didn’t get to finish his sentence as loud sound of someone knocking on the door echoed inside the whole house, carrying their fears with itself as it travelled through the walls. They both froze, them and the air around them stood still, hearts unmoving for a moment and then jerking forcefully back to life, beating too fast, against their trembling chests, as if they were terrified rabbits who had barely outrun their chasers.

“Seh.. Sehyoon.” Junhee whispered the elder’s name, his fingers almost digging inside the other’s skin, face pale and drained of life and the previous liveliness.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry, love.” Sehyoon said as he released the younger and pressed his lips on Junhee’s forehead. “Stay here. No matter how long it takes or what you hear, don’t leave the room, okay?” The knocking echoed once more as Junhee gave the elder a hesitant nod, sitting up against the headboard and pulling the sheets around him, suddenly freezing from the chilliness that was starting to take Sehyoon's place beside him on the bed.

Sehyoon clothed himself hurriedly, stole a quick glance of him, mouthed _I love you_ and disappeared behind the door.

Junhee pressed his hands on his ears, tuning out the outside world, lips pressed together tightly, and started to count silently inside his head, body rocking back and forth, fearful, all nerves and worries, terrified of what was to come.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> This chapter is a bit messy, but I still hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> There is not much of this story left, probably a chapter or two and I will try to update as soon as possible.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read and leave kudos and comments behind. I appreciate it a lot.   
> I apologize for mistakes in advance. I didn't get to fix them.   
> Take care.

 

Chapter Nine

 

~~Tomorrow.~~

 

“Hey, hey, love, it’s okay.” Sehyoon said as he wrapped his arms around the shivering younger and pulled him close to his chest. “It’s all okay. All okay.” He kept whispering the same sentence again and again, low voice soft and comforting, until he felt Junhee fell still against him, his breath even and the frantic trembling of his body gone.

Sehyoon sat beside him on the bed, back pressed against the headboard and pulled Junhee up and closer to him, his arms safely wrapped around the younger, sheltering him with his warmth. It took Junhee few more minutes to regain his strength, his frightened eyes blinking up at him, cheek rested on Sehyoon's chest.

“Who was it?” Junhee finally found the courage to ask and Sehyoon heard strain in his voice. How much he wished to be able to soothe the younger, steal his worries and fears away, tell him it was all fine, tell him it was only two of them and no one else in the world, no dangers facing their love, but he couldn’t, not yet, but soon, not yet, but one day.

“Someone from the Court.”  Sehyoon told him and felt Junhee shudder violently against him at the mention of the gruesome place consisting of monsters that had only their façade left in common with humans. “They asked what the reason of my sudden reappearance was. Told them I was thinking of returning to the place my parents had taken me away from. It satisfied them to great extent, happy to have another person to feed on, to suck out all the precious, beautiful, dear things of life out of.” Sehyoon found anger and disgust and pity rushing through him and tried to push the disturbing feelings aside, concentrating on Junhee in his arms.

“Which you aren’t.” Junhee whispered, digging his nails unconsciously in the elder’s clothed flesh. Sehyoon heard the need of assurance in the younger’s voice.

“which I am not. I’m only here to steal you away from them and leave.” Sehyoon kissed his head, buried his face in the younger’s hair, breathed in his sweet fragrance and pulled him in, his larger figure almost fully swallowing the other up. Junhee made himself smaller, aligned his body with his, as if he wanted to be swallowed by him, sheltered inside the elder, safe and happy, and loved inside Sehyoon. The only safe place he knew. The only safe place they could love each other.

“Tell me we will do it.” Junhee pleaded, pushed himself up and gazed at Sehyoon, his previously frightened eyes wild, lit by the burning fire inside them. “Tell me it’s possible.” Junhee took the elder’s hands in his, laced their fingers together and waited for the reassurance to come, waited for the strength and courage and bravery to come in a form of Sehyoon, in the form of comforting words Sehyoon whispered to him, lulled him into safety, into happiness, in love.

“It is. It’s all possible, love.” Sehyoon told him, freed himself from the younger’s hold, only to gather his face in his hands, foreheads touching, hearts molded together, bodies shaped in one, single, whole being. “We can leave right at this moment, Junhee and make it possible. Right now. Go with me, Junhee. Let’s just leave right now. In a matter of breath, before we can even finish confessing our love to each other.” Sehyoon saw something unfamilar in Junhee’s fire lit eyes flicker, was it fear, or courage, or both at the same time, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure if he would ever know as it was gone as fast as it had appeared, leaving only innocence inside Junhee’s lovely, gentle, breathtaking eyes.

“No, no, I can’t.” Junhee whispered and Sehyoon felt something inside him break, crumble, fall to pieces, wither away at the other’s words. “Not today. I can't. I have to take few of the things – some my own, some my mother’s, and the letters - that really belong to me, that I can really call mine in that house. I can’t leave without them.” Junhee took Sehyoon’s hands away from his face and grasped them tightly in his fingers, full of determination and silent promises. He wasn’t going to let go. He wasn’t going to be pulled away, not by his fears, not by his father, not by Dominion, not by the things that had kept him captive all this time.

“Will you wait for me one more day, my love? Will you wait for me until tomorrow? _Tomorrow._  I will meet you at the gardens tomorrow and we will leave. We will leave together.” Junhee told him, got up from the bed and pulled him along, standing face to face with each other, emotions in their eyes reflecting one another, like a mirror, appearing differently, but burning in the same ways, by the same feelings, by the force of their love for one another.

“Promise me.” Sehyoon asked, wanting to be reassured, this time him being the one who needed it, who wanted to hear the words leave Junhee’s mouth. “Promise me, Junhee.” He repeated as Junhee aligned his arms around his waist and buried himself in Sehyoon’s embrace.

“I love you, Sehyoon.” Junhee whispered, faint and muffled, his lips grazing the surface of Sehyoon’s clothed chest, right above his wildly beating heart. _I love you._  A simple sentence. It was more than enough. It was the only reassurance he needed to hear, the only promise he wanted Junhee to make. _Tomorrow_. Tomorrow they would leave. They would leave for the last time.

 

**Chapter Ten**

 

~~Junhee.~~

 

“Be careful.” Sehyoon said as he pushed thorns of the bushes that had gone wild inside the house aside, clearing the way for the younger male behind him. He was trying to remember the exact location of the small door at the back of his mother’s gardens for Junhee to leave safely, for him to sneak away like a thief in a dark, quiet night, even when they had done nothing, but only loved each other.

“Here it is.” He mumbled, unsure if Junhee could hear him. The younger was absent from his body and Sehyoon couldn’t blame him, wouldn’t blame him. He was feeling as anguished, as worried as the younger. They didn’t know what would happen when Junhee would step out of the door and of their own, safe world inside the gardens. Sehyoon no longer being able to shelter him, protect him from the cruelty of life and the world and the people in it, all alone and vulnerable.

“Tomorrow.” Junhee whispered after Sehyoon had stepped aside to let him closer to the door, after he had made sure it was safe for Junhee to walk outside, no curious eye in sight, no harm to get in the way of the younger.

“Tomorrow.” Sehyoon nodded, a silent confirmation, an agreement, a promise. _Tomorrow._ Junhee would come and they would leave. They would leave together. Junhee would come. Junhee would.. _Junhee.._ He would come and they would leave.

Junhee hesitated for a second, eyes roaming around the wild flowers, taking the sight in, breathing in, gathering all the courage and safety and bravery and love this place, full of Sehyoon and of them and of their love, could offer him. Then his eyes landed on Sehyoon and Sehyoon caught the same light inside them flickering, fear, or courage, or hope, or horror, or faith, or all at the same time. He didn't know and he couldn't bring himself to ask, afraid of hearing the answer, afraid of not being able to ever let Junhee walk out of the door and find the bravery and courage he had asked of Sehyoon to help him find.

“Junhee.” Sehyoon whispered, weaving all his love and dreams and wishes and hopes and strength and courage in the other’s name and the time, for the smallest of moment, stood still, unable to take its eyes off of the yearning lovers. He reached for the younger before he could slip out of the narrow, forgotten, abandoned, untended door eaten by the time. “I love you.” He leaned in and kissed him, full of force and tenderness at the same time, as a sign of their love, of the bravery and courage and strength Junhee had asked of him to be. 

“I love you, Sehyoon.” Junhee whispered back, breaking into an innocent, lovely, captivating smile after they had fallen apart and slipped away from Sehyoon’s hold and out of the door, leaving him standing still behind.

Sehyoon watched him walk away, hurried on his feet, his fragile figure growing smaller and fainter and tried to tune out the sound of his heart screaming at him to not let him go, screaming at Sehyoon to get Junhee and run, run away before there still was time, their last shared kiss bittersweet on his lips, as if it was a silent goodbye, full of sorrow and desperation, of uncertainty of ever seeing each other again, unsure of what was to come. 

“Junhee.” Sehyoon called the younger's name as he turned into the corner and disappeared from his sight, unable to hear him, unaware of his name leaving Sehyoon's lips one more time.

It wasn't a goodbye, it was a promise.

_Junhee._ Tomorrow Junhee would come.

 

**Chapter Twelve**

 

~~Brave.~~

 

“Junhee!” Junhee heard his father roar as soon as he stepped inside the house. His heart slammed against his chest, willing to jump out and run, run away from there, from the monster that once was his father, from the house that once could have been his but was nothing sort of it. It was a house of terror, and fears, and dread, and loneliness, and unhappiness, and cold, unbearable, painful, bone freezing cold.

Junhee found himself stepping back in fear, uncertain of what was to come, his heart and mind and soul screaming at him to run away, forget the bravery and leave, run back to Sehyoon and leave. Leave. Leave. _Leave Junhee._ Something inside him chanted, but before he could turn away he was yanked by a strong, forceful hold on his elbow, full of desire of shattering him, breaking him to pieces, little by little, pull by pull. Before he could understand, he could realize, he could react he was sliding across the marble floor, his clothed flesh coming in touch with cold, unyielding, unforgiving surface. He let out a cry of pain and of surprise and of horror at the same time, curled into himself and tried to forget he was there, lying on the cold floor, in pain, something horrible threatening to happen, was about to come.

“You silly, silly boy,” His father’s voice, dripping in venom, run through the whole house, shaking Junhee’s entire being in terror by the force of it. “Look at you, look at you, you thought you could run away?! You thought you have found yourself some sort of a hero, huh?!” Junhee felt the man’s heavy, damp breath on his face, but he refused to look at him, he refused to let the man break him, shatter him once and for all, beyond no mending, beyond any fixing love could provide, love could offer a pained, demaged one.

“I told you, Junhee! I warned you to remember who you are, where you are and to not let him put some silly ideas in your head. I warned you, didn't I?!” The man gritted through his clenched teeth before pulling him up by the hair, forcing his head towards himself, wanting to look at his son’s terrified, pained face and find pleasure in it.

“Look at you, look at you, Junhee, how pathetic, how pathetic, like your mother. Running away, running away, huh? It’s all you can do, all you do, running away, but where? Where do you have to run to? There is nowhere, nowhere you can hide, run away from here, from me, from Dominion, Junhee, there is nowhere for you to run.” The man twisted his hold on his hair causing unbearable amount of pain to run through Junhee. He pressed his lips together, tightly, unwilling to let the man hear him cry. He would endure it. He could endure it. He had endured that much before. He would endure everything, anything, if it meant he could see Sehyoon tomorrow, if it meant he would meet Sehyoon one more time.

“He doesn’t belong to Dominion, you silly, silly boy, he doesn’t, not anymore, but you?! Look at you, what are you, Junhee?! Do you know who you are? I don’t think you do, I don’t think I have taught you well enough. You belong to Dominion and Dominion’s rules make you who you are and you have disgraced its rules and you are going to pay for it, you sweet, sweet, silly child of mine.” The man released his grasp on Junhee’s hair, laughing in mockery and amusement and pleasure, and Junhee braced himself for the hard ground, falling, and falling, and falling, with no secure arms to catch him, only falling, until he would break, until the cold, unforgiving marble would shatter him to pieces, beyond mending, beyond being able to be put back together even by love, even by a lover.

“Go put on the mask!” The man demanded and Junhee felt himself fall still, his frantic heart stop inside his chest, thickening silence reigning inside the cold, almost empty, bare-walled house. He knew what it meant. He knew what his father had decided, had done. He finally knew what was to come, what was going to happen to him for loving someone he shouldn't have loved, but wanted to love, would love again and again, would repeat the same mistake all over again if it meant he could fall in love with Sehyoon, if it meant he would fall in love with Sehyoon. His faith. His hope. His courage. His love.

“Do.. Don’t.” He forced himself to gather some strength and say. His father’s shadow fell upon him, overpowering, swallowing, dark, dark, all dark.

“What? I didn’t hear you my dear child.” The man said. Junhee heard scorn in his sugared voice and he didn’t have to see his face to know he was smiling, the same cruel, gruesome, sinister smile he had given him when he had forced Junhee to watch the same scene again and again for hours. The same scene of pain and hope at the same time.

“Ple.. Please don’t.” He tried once more, slightly louder. “Let me go please. Just let me leave, dad, let me leave, please.” He couldn't understand why he was pleading when he knew it would all be in vain. It was always in vain, his father had never heard him before, not really, he heard what he wanted, what he needed and he had never wanted to hear Junhee and his pleadings of freedom and of happiness and of love.

“Go put on the mask, Junhee!” The man commanded again and Junhee felt himself break, something inside him gave up. He pushed himself up on his unsteady legs, turned his back to his father and walked to the stairs and to his room, to the end that was coming.

The mask. It laid in the middle of his bed. Inhumane. Sinister. Threatening. End. _End. Shame. Shame and death. Disobedience. Shame and death. End._

Junhee’s biggest fear had shaped itself true. He was going to put on the mask. Something he had always feared since he was a child. Something every living soul in Dominion feared.

Junhee picked it up with trembling hands, felt the surface bite his skin, cold, cold and sinister, and terrifying. He clutched it tightly in his fingers, felt it dig inside his flesh, numb his fears and pain away. Junhee felt something inside him break again, come to crumbles, turn his world upside down. His fears, his cowardice, his silence. It was suddenly all gone. There was only Junhee and his love for Sehyoon and the memories of Sehyoon and of their time spent together and courage. _Courage._

He had to be brave.

He wanted to be brave at least once in his life.

Junhee wouldn’t go to the Court, not alive, not because of something as simple, as humane as love, only because all he had done was love someone.

Junhee threw the mask aside, watched it scatter on the floor and disappear under his desk, become one with darkness, where it had come from, where it should have remained. He grasped an ink and pieces of paper from his nightstand and run out of the lonely, bare, cold bedroom that once was meant to be his, but never have been, never would be, not without Sehyoon, not without his warmth, his presence, his love, the safety he carried, the way he held Junhee, as if he was holding his whole world in his arms, the way he whispered Junhee’s name as if it was the only word he knew, the way he listened to Junhee, as if he was the only sound he could hear, as if nothing existed beside Junhee, as if his life, his soul began and ended with Junhee, as if without Junhee there would be no stars on the night sky.

_My dear Sehyoon, my love..._

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> So, here goes the final update and I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> I had so much to say regarding this story as I started typing up this note, but my mind suddenly went completely blank and I don't know what to say anymore, so I will leave it as it is. Just be mindful of the tags above before you start reading, so you won't be disappointed by the ending.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read and leave kudos and comments behind. They are greatly appreciated.  
> I apologize for all the mistakes in advance. I'm very bad at fixing them.  
> Take care.  
> Until the next time.

 

**Chapter Thirteen**

 

~~Set me free.~~

 

Sehyoon waited. He waited and Junhee's promised tomorrow passed. _Came and left. Came and left._ Just like a lone passenger moving through place to place. Came and left. Without any trace. _Came... and left._

Then passed another day and another and another and then he couldn't take it anymore, his heart, his mind, his soul burning in agony. _Going mad. Going mad._ He forced himself to sit down and risk writing a letter and wait again. All he could do was wait. And wait and wait. Until Junhee would come. When Junhee would come. If Junhee would come. Their last shared kiss still bittersweet on his lips, a burning reminder, a quivering promise that Junhee would come, that Junhee had promised him he would come.

 

_Dearest,_

_The days are passing, one after another, and worry is eating away at my heart._

_I am waiting, as I have promised I would. I will wait. You have my word that I will wait as long as it takes you to come, return to me, to feel you back in my arms. But somehow, someway, my love, let me know you are safe. Ease my mind please, my love. I’m going mad not knowing if you are safe or in danger. Tell me if I can help. If there is anything I can do. You know I will do everything for you, Junhee, do not you? I will do everything to keep you safe, to keep you by my side, to make you happy._

_I’m waiting, my love, and I will wait for you to come. I will wait as long as you want me to wait._

_I love you, Junhee. You do know that I prize you more than my own life, Junhee, don’t you? Because I do, always have, always will. I would risk my own being for your safety without having to contemplate. I love you, Junhee. I love you and I wish I have something other than these three words to tell you, to show you, but tell me this will do for now, tell me this is enough, tell me you still want to come and run away with me. Please, Junhee._

_Eternally yours,_

_Sehyoon_

 

And the days passed. In agony. In worry. In loneliness. Inside an empty, cold, dust covered house that kept memories of his childhood trapped eternally inside its walls. In his bedroom that now smelled of Junhee, that kept parts of Junhee, memories of Junhee alive within, that would remember the sound of Junhee’s hearty, carefree laughter, his quiet whispers of Sehyoon’s name, his promises, his confessions, the way his body fitted against Sehyoon’s, one, whole, complete, as long as it stood still, as long as it would hold up against time.

The days passed and then someone was knocking on his door. Knocking in a way as if they were willing to tear it down by the force of how hard their knuckles came in touch with the hard surface of it. And he was running down the stairs and tearing it apart, heart stuck in his throat, willing to crawl out, his soul, his heart, his mind full of desire of seeing Junhee on the other side of it, his white curls falling against his pale face, pull him in his arms and reassure him, reassure himself that Junhee had come and they were going to run away. Together. Leave their pasts, their fears behind and move on. Find a safer, kinder place for them and their love.

But it wasn’t Junhee knocking on his door with so much force.

 _Donghun._ It was Donghun. Not Junhee. Not his Junhee. Not someone his heart wanted. His soul desired. It was Donghun, eyes red and face pale, trembling from head to toe, as if he hadn't slept for days, as if he was there to tell him something terrible, something that was about tear both him and Sehyoon apart, most importantly, Sehyoon and his life apart.

Sehyoon felt his world shake and tremble and quiver before him in the form of a shivering friend of his lover as Donghun pressed a few things in his arms, a few letters Sehyoon recognized as his own, some unfamiliar ones, a necklace he had given to Junhee as a farewell before the younger had whispered a goodbye and boarded the train that day, returning to his captivity and leaving Sehyoon behind with promises of coming back, promises of spending the rest of their lives together, promises Sehyoon oh so foolishly had believed, promises Sehyoon knew had been broken, had been stolen away by the cruel life. He felt himself shake and then he was falling on the ground, a little jar pressed tightly in his pale, trembling arms, letters and some little things of Junhee, of Junhee's mother falling around him, surrounding him, building barriers around him, as if they wanted to protect him from pain and hunt him for the rest of his life at the same time.

"I'm sorry." Donghun whispered and Sehyoon was sobbing. He was sobbing and he still hadn't fully realized why. _Why. Why. Junhee, Why?_ "You should leave." Donghun said and turned away, walked down the stairs and faded into nothingness, became a blur in Sehyoon's tear swelled eyes, fading, fading, fading, like an old photograph in time.

 _You should leave_ , Donghun had said and Sehyoon had heard unuttered part of what the other man had meant to say.

_There is no one for you to wait for._

_There is nothing for you to fight for._

_Not anymore._

_No longer._

Junhee was gone.

Just like that.

Just as he had come in Sehyoon’s life.

Had appeared like a dream and disappeared like one.

Sehyoon hated that he was waking. He was waking up from the dream he never wanted to wake up from. He wanted to stay in this dream, in this dream with Junhee, in the dream where Junhee came and they run, where Junhee came and they left, found a safer place for their love.

Sehyoon placed the jar down on the dusty floor, carefully, with trembling hands threatening to let go of it and shatter it, spill remnants of Junhee, of Junhee’s soul, of Junhee’s heart by his bare feet, become one with the house that kept trapped some of their sweetest memories within its bare, demaged, cracking walls alive.

His fingers found a sealed letter among the others and felt it burn against his skin, against the tips of his fingers, a painful reminder of what had happened.

He didn’t want to open it, because it would bring final sentence to his fears, to his assumptions, to the scenarios his mind had made, but he wanted to hear Junhee. He had once promised Junhee he would hear him. No matter how hard it was, he would always, always hear Junhee if Junhee were to call his name and he wanted, needed to know why Junhee hadn’t, why Junhee hadn’t called his name, utter his name quietly among the chaos of his mind, of the world around him, when he could have, when Sehyoon had, many times, in many ways, had told him, had promised him, had shown him, that he would come even at the softest, quietest whisper of his own name. For Junhee. To shelter him in his arms and steal him away, find the only safe place where they could love each other, for Junhee and for their love.

He had promised Junhee that he would do anything, everything, for him, hadn’t he?

But now, Junhee was gone and not in a way Sehyoon could bring him back from.

He unfolded the letter with trembling hands, wiped away at his tears, wanting to hear Junhee, needing to hear Junhee, one last time, one more time.

 

_My dear Sehyoon, my love,_

_Oh, my darling, my love, my happiness, my light, forgive me for I know I am going to cause you pain. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me please. I hope you can forgive me one day, my Sehyoon. I hope you will forgive me._

_Be mad at me, curse me, damn me, despise me as much as your heart desires, as long as it takes you to forgive me, to get used to the idea that I have broken my last promise to you, but don’t, please, don’t blame yourself for anything._

_You have given me things I have never had before, made me feel things I have never felt before, made me learn how it felt to be cherished and loved, how it feels when someone holds you dear in their heart, when someone gives you home inside them. You gave me a chance to learn what love is, what happiness, safety feels like. Things I would have never been able to learn without you, things I would never know if you hadn’t appeared like a miracle, like a heard prayer in my life on that day, on the day that had changed my whole life in the ways I had never thought of before and even though, at first, I had been terrified of the love you have given me, because it was a new, unfamiliar thing to me, something I have never felt before, I grew into it and before I knew, there was nothing of past Junhee left inside me, the Junhee before your fingers had touched my wrist, that Junhee was gone, the Junhee that wasn’t me, he had suddenly vanished upon your arrival in my life. You gave me myself, Sehyoon. You taught me how it felt to be myself, how lovely it felt to be myself and to be accepted, to be held close to your chest, only because I was myself. You gave me courage and strength, taught me how it felt to be brave. Sehyoon, you made me, Sehyoon. You made me whole. You made me – me. Who I truly am, showed me who I truly am. Who I could be. Who I could have been if my father’s selfishness hadn’t driven him and my mother to this place. Oh, how much I wish I knew enough words, there were enough words to tell you how thankful of you I am for you have made me who I am, you have made me whole._

_Sehyoon, I love you very much, my Sehyoon, I loved you since the moment our eyes met, and I, please, never doubt my feelings for you, my love, I still love you the same. If I hadn’t meet you, Sehyoon, I don’t know what my life would become, It would have been unbearable and I would have been miserable for the rest of my life, but all the moments spent with you, all the memories made with you, made the last few weeks of my life full of light, and happiness, and love, love, love, your love, our love, that always felt so huge, so terrifying to me, maybe to the both of us, but it was ours and it was real and I am grateful beyond words, Sehyoon. I’m grateful for the three words you have told me, I’m grateful to all the touches, and whispers of my name, and for making me feel so complete, so happy, so, so unbearably happy. Thank you for being mine, Sehyoon. Thank you for giving me something that was mine, that I could call mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Only mine. You are mine, Sehyoon, are you not, my love? Tell me you were mine, you are mine, tell me you will still want to be mine when we meet in some other time? Please, tell me, reassure me, my love._

_You were, you are and you will always be the whole story for me, Sehyoon. My life started with you, happened with you, ended with you. It's all I want to remember even after the end of the times. Your love, your smile, your touches, your voice, your body against mine, skin against skin, laid bare for each other, in love and unafraid. You are all I knew, all I would ever want to know, Sehyoon. You are every chapter in my life._

_Do you remember the first promise you have made to me? You promised me to help me by loving me, because it was all I wanted, needed, all I have ever asked, and you did help me, Sehyoon. You helped me find myself. You kept all your promises made to me, and forgive me for not keeping my own promises. Forgive me, my love._

_The reason I am writing is that I wanted to tell you one last time, that no matter where I am, in what shape I exist, I will always think of you. I will always think of you and the time we had together as my happiest time, Sehyoon. If I lived a million lives, I still would have fallen a million times for you, Sehyoon. I am sure of this. I had never for a second regretted loving you, I never will. If I could Sehyoon, I would fall in love with you again and again, my love, repeat the same mistake all the same, because I don’t want anyone else, I have never in my life wanted anyone else, but you, Sehyoon. Only you, my Sehyoon._

_I always dreamt of great love in order to put up with everything before I met you, Sehyoon. Always the same story running through my head and then you came, you came and turned my dreams true, and I still dreamt, Sehyoon, but now different dreams, dreams I could never tell anyone, but you, and I will continue dreaming of you, Sehyoon. I will dream of you, of your lips against mine, your fingers burning against my skin, you inside me, making home out for yourself as you press closer and deeper in. I will dream of you, Sehyoon, I have always dreamt of you since the moment our eyes had met. I was, am, I am in love and I have built a fairytale for myself, for us as you shaped me whole, and I still live inside this story even now, and I don’t want this story to end even when I am gone, Sehyoon. Continue writing it for me, please._

_Please, my love, please promise me, that no matter how many years pass you won’t forget me, keep me caged in your heart, your heart, it’s the only cage I want to be held captive in, in your memories, carry me everywhere you go and show me the world, places, things, I never got to see and when the time comes, come to me and stay with me. I will be waiting for you, Sehyoon and I will be watching over you until you come to visit me, permanently, until then be happy, my love, forgive me and be happy, be happy, my Sehyoon._

_I’m sorry for burdening you to keep the memories of me alive, but keep me alive, please, Sehyoon, give me home, permanent home, in your heart._

_I am going, Sehyoon, but before I go, please, tell me I did well, Sehyoon, tell me I was brave. You won’t think less of me for leaving you behind like that, my Sehyoon, will you? I wish you wouldn’t. I only need your forgiveness, my dear, Sehyoon, only your forgiveness, as I have always needed your love, as I have always needed you._

_I’m happy, Sehyoon._

_I’m not afraid._

_I’m very happy_

_And it’s all because of you, Sehyoon._

_I’m happy because of you, Sehyoon._

_I’m not going to say a goodbye, Sehyoon, goodbyes, they aren’t for us, for the ones who love with their entire hearts and souls. I’m leaving physically, but my soul stays with you. I’ll always be alive inside you, will I not, Sehyoon? Promise me, I will. I will keep you dear in my heart until you come to join me._

_The jar. Do you have it with you? If you do, please, Sehyoon, please, my love, take it with you and let my ashes float free near the ocean, somewhere close to my mother’s grave, somewhere close to where we had begun, where our love had sparked in flames._

_I love you, Sehyoon, I love you even if there isn’t any me, I love you. I always have and always will._

_Be well and be happy my love. I’ll be waiting._

_Sehyoon, Sehyoon, Sehyoon, Oh, how much I love your name, my dear Sehyoon, you have set me free._

_Your lover,_

_Junhee._

Sehyoon pressed his quivering lips to the hurriedly curved name of his lover at the end of the letter, leaving traces of his touches on it, for Junhee to feel, for Junhee to remember, for Junhee to carry it with himself until Sehyoon would leave to join him.

He had stopped crying. He wouldn’t cry. Because it’s not what Junhee would want. He wouldn’t want Sehyoon to mourn. Junhee was happy. Junhee had been happy. Sehyoon had made him feel happiness and love.

He collected the precious belongings of his lover, pressed the jar close to his chest and left, closed the door to his childhood memories, to this cruel place behind his back.

He took Junhee with him, in the forms of memories and lingering touches, their letters of love, and of yearning, and of longing and belonging, and the scarf, in the form of a small, star-shaped necklace, and left. For the last time. He left and took all that was Junhee with him, left nothing of him behind in this place.

Junhee was his, had been his, would always be his, no matter where he was, where he went.

The separation would never come, because he had made home for Junhee inside himself since the moment his fingers had touched the younger male.

 

**Chapter Fourteen**

 

_“Your absence has gone through me_

_Like thread through a needle._

_Everything I do is stitched with its color.”_

_― W.S. Merwin_

 

Sehyoon sat on the window sill of his bedroom, an ink and a notebook rested on his knees, head lolling to the side as he gazed at the calm, wavering sea on the horizon, memories of Junhee reliving themselves inside his head, again and again, repeatedly, until he couldn't recognize where one ended and another began. He was watching sun rise with Junhee, then he was dancing slowly with Junhee, turning, turning and turning, and laughing against his chest, Junhee was resting his head on Sehyoon's shoulder, Sehyoon was burying him in his embrace, then they were kissing, slow and deliberate and burning and Sehyoon felt something inside his stomach twist, in longing, in wanting, in missing, and snapped him back to the present. He turned his head away from the lazily moving waves and his gaze fell on the untouched paper in front of him, a quiet tune about missing lovers as a background noise, keeping him company in silent, lonely, cold night. A night without Junhee.

Sehyoon took an ink and turned it in his fingers, whenever missing Junhee got too unbearable he wrote him letters, it has become his coping mechanism, letters, and letters and countless letters, filling each corner of his apartment, letters of love and of stories and of longing and of missing your gone lover, missing him to an extent you starting seeing him in every corner you turned your eyes to, his fragrance still lingering inside the room, his touch still lingering on the places his fingers had grazed. _His Junhee.. His junhee.. Oh, how much he was missing his Junhee._

On those lonely, endless nights he wondered a lot how Junhee was, if he was missing Sehyoon as much as Sehyoon missed him, and he would reread all the letters Junhee had left him and he knew he did, he knew Junhee was missing him as much as he did. It was comforting. Knowing that Junhee was waiting for him, was thinking of him, Junhee would be there to greet him on the other side when the time would come, when death would wrap Sehyoon in its blanket of blankness and fog and carry him on the other side, on the side Junhee waited, on the side Junhee gazed him from, waiting, waiting and missing. _Missing and waiting_. Just like Sehyoon did.

He missed Junhee and he waited for the day his life would hit its final second, promises of reuniting with Junhee comforting, soothing, giving birth to hope inside him.

He started to curve the first letter that had become all so familiar to him by now, his fingers already knew what he wanted to write. Sehyoon had written the same word all too many times in a past month.

 

_Dearest,_

_I keep writing you letters that will remain untouched on my desk, with no destination for them to leave, to arrive at, because you are no longer here to receive them. The radio aches a little tune, as I write each sentence, a tune that tells the story of two lovers separated, lost inside empty spaces and maybe I should switch the song, listen to something else, but it rubs against my skin, each word, each sentence and soothes my heart, brings memories of you on the surface, reliving, reliving, reliving, again and again. It reminds me of you, Junhee, and I can’t bring myself to switch it, turn it off. I’m afraid memories of you will slip away from me if I were to do it tonight. Tonight you are this song and all I can do is listen, listen, and listen, repeatedly._

_I still remember the very first moment I saw you, Junhee, as if it had just happen a minute ago, as if it had been barely a second. When my eyes first landed on you, you became a dream, the most beautiful dream that could ever exist, Junhee, the moment your lips touched mine you became reality, the only reality I wanted to live in, Junhee and now, now that you are gone, you are no longer with me, you are bound to become a memory, a memory, a second soul living inside me, and I’m going to carry you with me, in my heart, until I become memory to someone else, until we can unite someplace again, sometime at the other end of the universe. I hope you are still waiting for me, Junhee. I hope you are still waiting for me to come. I will come. Soon I feel it, I can feel it, so wait for me my love, wait for me._

_I have built home for you inside my heart. My heart, my soul, my entire being has become home to the memories of you, my Junhee, as you have wished, as you have asked of me. All I am left is memories of you and nothing else._

_Sometimes I sit on the bed, for hours, for days and imagine that you are going to come back to me, the door will pull open and you will walk in, laughing, eyes turned into stars, your soft hair falling against your face, lovely, lovely, oh, how, how lovely, Junhee, and I let time pass through me, through the apartment that has grown lonely, cold, silent without you inside it, as I wait for you to come. But you don’t, because you are gone and I can’t handle it. Sometimes, some days, I can’t handle knowing you are no longer with me, knowing I kissed you and let you walk away from me just like that, I let you leave, leave, leave, leave me behind. You should have taken me with you, Junhee._

_Sometimes I hear you, Junhee, I hear you whispering my name, softly, quietly, as if you are afraid the world might hear you, as if you don’t want the world to hear you say my name, a song you sang only to yourself, a song you let to lull you in your dream, and it’s unbearable, Junhee. Sometimes I see you in every corner of this room, near the window, near the door, near the radio, near the bed, calling my name, smiling, smiling, smiling, telling me how much you love me and It’s unbearable, Junhee and I can’t handle it. I can’t handle that you are gone. That I have to bear existing without you by my side._

_But then... Then my eyes land on the letters I have of you left and I still read them each day, I know every word, every line by heart by now, I repeat them inside my head as I go about the day. You are always inside me, always with me, I carry you with me everywhere I go, everywhere life leads me. It’s you, Junhee, it’s you, It’s always you I think of. Of course, it’s always you. It has to be always you. I don’t want, I don’t need anyone else, but you, Junhee._

_You are gone, Junhee, you are gone, but then you aren’t, because I am keeping your memories inside me alive. You are never going to be gone until I’m living, until I come to join you, keep you company, until I am also gone, until then you are also alive, Junhee._

_Sometimes I wish we had another time, Junhee, I wish we had another place, more time, a safer place, but maybe things wouldn’t have been the same, maybe our love wouldn’t have been the same, so I don’t wish for the change, Junhee. I do wish to meet you again. In another time, in another place, I wish to meet you again and maybe in that time, in that place we can reach the stars you have always loved to gaze, in that time, in that place, maybe, maybe we can fight time and space, we can be happy. We were happy, but maybe we can be happy much longer, forever, for eternity, Junhee. I want to be with you in every time, in every place. I don’t want to exist someplace, sometime, without you Junhee._

_We couldn’t find a safe place where we could love each other in this world, but some other time, some other place, we will, Junhee. I promise we will. The ending doesn’t have to be the same. I will find that safe place. That one safe place meant for us, meant for our love, for you and I. We will find that place in another time, in another place, Junhee._

_Until that time, wait for me, Junhee, because you know I will come, I will come and find you no matter what happens, you do know it, don’t you, Junhee? I know you do. I like to believe you do._

_I love you, Junhee._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_Eternally yours,_

_Sehyoon._

 

Sehyoon folded the paper and put it away, turning his head back to the shimmering, inviting, calm waves. Somewhere in the distance something sparkled for the smallest of moment and maybe it was just his mind playing tricks of him, but he had already seen more than enough to be surprised by the strangeness, by the impossibility of it. He let himself smile and his mind drifted to the memory of Junhee, of his sparkly, sparkly, mesmerizing eyes, of the eyes Sehyoon had once drowned in, had once very earnestly landed on the bottom of the other’s black, but sparkly, sparkly, lovely eyes and he would drown himself all over again if it meant he could look into Junhee's eyes one more time, if he could look into Junhee's eyes for the rest of his life.

He knew he couldn't. Not anymore. But he loved to think that he did. He would. Somewhere else. In some other time. In another life. In another place. He would take Junhee's hand in his and never let go. Their love wouldn't be considered as crime. They would be free and in love.

He would ask Junhee to stay and the younger would.

He would stay with Sehyoon forever in another world, in another universe, in another life.

And Sehyoon was content with the idea of it. They couldn’t love each other in this world, not in a way they had wanted, too short lived, gone too fast, but he would make most of the memories he got to make with Junhee, so when they would cross each other's paths in another place, in another time, they would recognize each other. Sehyoon would recognize Junhee at any place, at any time, in any shape, by the look, by the smell, by the touch, by the ways their bodies fit against each other, by the ways Junhee trembled against his chest, by the ways Junhee whispered his confessions to him and only to him, because he was afraid of the world hearing him, he was afraid of being caught in love, because in this life, their love was crime, but in another it wouldn't, or at least, that's what Sehyoon hoped, for Junhee to be his, for their love to be seen and heard and accepted as it was, love, love, love and nothing else beside it, pure, innocent love, love so huge and terrifying, but theirs, their love, his and Junhee’s.

_Most days, most nights, Sehyoon loves to think, loves to believe that in another time, in another place, they are together and Junhee is alive._

 

 


End file.
